Looking Through a Clear Glass of Gin: 36 Predictions for 2016

By Victor Hill 01 January 2016

2 mins. to read

Looking Through a Clear Glass of Gin: 36 Predictions for 2016

We asked Victor Hill for his 2016 predictions and, after a few gins, he came back with this:

All you need to know about the year ahead.

January

Three Wise Men arrested on A40 for camel-related offences.

Jeremy turns funny.

David and François go to a fireworks party. The markets approve.

February

Donald spontaneously combusts.

Hillary wins Wisconsin.

Hilary is emboldened.

March

Douche-vite takes Baghdad. The markets disapprove.

Tyson takes Las Vegas.

George taunts Jeremy. Jeremy goes nowhere.

April

David tells Angela that he is frustrated.

Jean-Claude says he is disappointed.

Angela announces that there is nothing further she can do. The markets stall.

May

Hurricane Jeb doesn’t quite happen.

Vladimir loses his temper.

Theresa admits that she was never a believer.

June

George announces there is a slight problem. The gilts market hiccups.

Alexis loses Angela’s ashes on the way to the wake.

Jeb finally recovers his mojo.

July

David gets cross and announces a delay.

Boris goes AWOL; but is then found wandering aimlessly around Heathrow Terminal 5.

George finds some more cash down the back of the sofa.

August

Hillary is anointed. Jeb recruits Sarah.

Hilary is appointed. Diane protests.

François spontaneously combusts. Manuel announces. Nicolas has a spasm. Marine is vainglorious.

September

Douche-vite takes Urfa. Markets disapprove.

Vladimir gets very cross and strikes. Bashar uses a very rude word about the West.

Barack finally speaks his mind, but everyone says it’s much too late and whatever he says doesn’t really matter anymore.

October

Douche-vite gets a real aerial drubbing, and then takes Mardin.

HRH turns the heating down to one point five degrees, even if we all get cold in the process.

Turkey bans bandanas, fedoras, panama hats and baseball caps turned backwards.

November

Hillary wins. Sarah cries foul.

Hilary spins.

David delays – again.

December

Twelve elves arrested on A40 for reindeer-related offences.

Interest rates go nowhere; markets go nowhere. Richard announces he’s setting up a private tax haven for the super-rich on the moon.

Syrian refugees arrested in Bethlehem for having baby with illegal swaddling clothes: Israeli forces forcibly move them on. A bomb goes off. The markets stall. Papa Francisco cries at midnight mass. Richard arrives on the moon, with meerkats. Jean-Claude insults David. David plumps for February 2017. HRH stands in for HM’s Christmas Message. World confused.