Donald Trump’s Dream
On restricting all Muslims – as a dangerous religious group – from entering the USA.
Petition to His Britannic Majesty, James I of England, Ireland, Scotland and France.
From Baron Trumpington, Old Trumpington Towers, Old London, Old England.
November, 1610 AD
Dread Liege,
May I petition Your Most Gracious Majesty for appointment as Governor of Virginia, or such other of your Majesty’s sundry American colonies, as may please your Majesty? (Even New Jersey might just be acceptable to a proud aristocrat like yours truly – the Baron Trumpington, of Trumpington Towers.)
My principal policy, Gracious Majesty, would be to exclude from your territorial possessions in North America those religious groups which may be deemed to pose a terrorist threat against the good order and peaceful government of your colonies. (I also know how to make them great!) My policy shall be based on that of your predecessor King John (known previously as bad Prince John) who along with the Sherriff of Nottingham not only pursued the terrorist Robin Hood but also banned all Jewish terrorists from the realm of England in the 12th century. (He just did not know what the hell was going on!)
Naturally, most feared Lord, I do not include Scottish Presbyterians – despite their long established reputation for cattle stealing and murder in an age old campaign of international terrorism, over the border into your new realm in England – for obvious reasons (including your own God given Scottishness). Nor do I imply, dread Lord, that you are a Presbyterian terrorist despite Scotland’s auld axis of evil with the terrorist Catholic French.
(Moreover, it striketh me much, that such a move would impede the commercial growth of the lucrative Scottish game of golf in your American colonies, on the false premise that it is the bizarre and unnatural activity of Scottish Presbyterian terrorists which causes wise men to proclaim “What the hell is going on?”)
Nor shall I exclude similar Methodist terrorists from your Principality of Wales for similar border terrorism into your realm in England, principally on the grounds that Methodism has not yet been invented. But when it is, I shall of course fall upon it by virtue of those terrorist connections, like the biblical Assyrian wolf upon the fold. No Welsh Methodists then, dread Majesty, shall visit your American colonies.
The principal terrorist religious group that I shall most particularly prevent from visiting and colonising your American possessions are of course Roman Catholics (they are all terrorists), led by fanatical ‘heretic’ burning Jesuits, whose terrorist crimes include the recent failed but infamously sincere attempt to blow up Your Divine Majesty and your entire Government, together with the Houses of Parliament one November day in London, in a terrorist outrage that shall never be forgot but remembered each November 5th as Guido Fawkes Day.
I also remind Your Majesty of the ‘fatwa’ given by the then Pope against Your Majesty’s God appointed predecessor Good Queen Bess, which purported that it would be no sin but to the glory of God to assassinate her in an act of ‘martyrdom’. What the hell was going on?! (Who do they think they are? Muslims? I rest my case!)
It shall be my policy that no Roman Catholic (not a single one) visits or settles Your Majesty’s City of Boston or elsewhere. This will preclude all Roman Catholics in Ireland seeking government positions of influence in Your Majesty’s American Episcopalian possessions there, or elsewhere in North America; and in order to prevent the prospect of Italian Catholic crooners, at some future and distant time, undermining the tranquillity and peace of your realm of America with menacing ballads like “I did it my way” and such other glorifications of unspeakable Catholic terrorist acts.
Other religious groups that I shall prevent from landing will include the Puritans – because of their religious persecution of other religious groups, which they cannot tolerate, and because of their peculiar practice of terrorising women of all ages, by generally finding witches amongst them for burning in the public square. Jews shall of course be prohibited because of King John’s continuing embargo against them in your realm of England, as fearful terrorists, with a notably poor record in child care in the City of Lincoln.
Thus dread Majesty, ye shall know that if you appoint me Governor (I know how to make your American colonies great), that your realm of North America, in four hundred years or so hence, shall continue to be a quiet and peaceful domain; administered by men with regular British names like Washington, Adams, Putnam and Franklin; men that shall cause no trouble to the peace of America by terrorist acts such as armed rebellion or, as a random fanciful thought, unreasonably tossing tea into harbours.
For good measure, I shall introduce an edict against the bearing of arms to prevent bloodshed amongst Your Majesty’s civil population of happy and contented subjects of your colonies of North America to prevent lunatic and deranged persons from obtaining muskets and flint locks to slaughter fellow American colonial subjects of Your Gracious Majesty. God save the King!
Your humble and most loyal subject and servant,
The Baron Trumpington
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